So here is my issue: Why can no one understand where I am coming from? I am certainly a blatant product of Generation Y - I am tech-savvy, educated and grew up believing the world owed me a favour - I have chosen not to follow the trend of cohabitation pre-marriage. and refuse to let living together serve as a substitute for marriage. It just doesn't hold the same value as marriage does.
On the BIG note: I don't come at this issue from a moral or religious standpoint. A woman is and should be free to decide what is best for her without being judged, controlled or condescended to by others.
Am I trying to hold on to old values instilled in me at a young age? Or am I making a bad decision? The criticisms I have heard over the years are missives.
"Financially, it just doesn't make sense. You and your boyfriend spend most of your time together anyway. Why pay two rents, when you could pay one?" Has it really come down to money? I find it depressing that making a major decision in a relationship should boil down to finances. I understand the financial practicality of living together, and believe me, it would certainly help me pay off my debts. But I would rather live paycheque to paycheque than move in with my boyfriend out of financial convenience. Convenience isn’t romance to me!
Marriage is come from a place of enthusiastic love, and not lackluster convenience. It’s a decision that binds us together, so shouldn’t it be when you’re really ready to live alongside this person and not when you just need to save some money.
"You need a trial period. How do you know if you can stand living with the person?" My boyfriend is not a car, and I don't feel the need for a test drive. I am in the serious relationship because I have to know everything I need to know in order to love him. It is allows us to get to know each other as loving friends and determine whether we have a reasonable chance of being a faithful, respectful and cooperative couple with shared values and vision. Spending time on vacations away from home, sleepovers at his or my house reveals many personal habits and quirks. I know that living together will show a different side to both of us, but will these annoying little habits and flaws trump our shared interests and values? I should hope not.
The most hilarious justification offered for living together is that you need to make sure your partner has no “annoying” or “gross” habits. This is kind of like saying you need to jump in the ocean to make sure it isn’t too moist. Everyone has annoying and gross habits. It’s part of being a person. The only way to ensure that your partner has no irritating tendencies is to marry someone in a coma.
"That is stupid! You are going to get divorced for sure."
This one is my favorite. It wasn't always common to move in together before marrying. My own grandparents never did, and yet they were five decades in a wonderful marriage, together until they died (grandma died 6 months following my grandpa). They were still kissing and hugging and slow dancing in their living room. And what's more convenient about moving in together and then breaking up? You have likely still invested in furnishings together, possibly opened a dual bank account or credit card and either have a mortgage or lease. Sure, you can skip the divorce papers and lawyers, but the who-gets-what and emotional turmoil still exist.
"It sounds like you are playing a game to get your boyfriend to propose earlier." If I were that desperate to get engaged and married, it would've been done a year after my 10 years marriage fall apart! I would be dating an older guy with a well-established career, financially freedom! not playing some silly trick on my boyfriend. He is smarter than that, and I would hope our relationship and future should not rely on me playing a game and him taking the bait.
I love the idea of my life truly changing on my wedding day. I want to have a "newlywed stage" and have good reason to register for wedding presents. I want to get into fights those first two years, but remind myself at the end of the day that he is my husband - and our marriage is forever (as we vowed).
Living together takes the excitement out of being newlyweds. Being a new bride and moving in with my husband to start a life -- and perhaps a family -- with those shiny new rings on my fingers to show the world our love and lifetime commitment, is a magical feeling!
I don't expect an easy transition, nor do I think I will end up in a different place than my friends who chose to live together first. What I do expect is to feel happy and proud of the decision I made.
I am not trying to convince other couples to follow suit. I am simply asking for people to open their minds to an old idea that just might work in our generation, too.
Many, many couples still live "happily ever after" after marriage, and I can, too. I just need to know where I want to go in life, and what choices are most likely to get me there.
So I will continue to live by myself with my two kids, in my own space, my own closet and my own routines until I say "I do." to the love of my life, who I choose to grow old with and accept the high and low of life have to offer for us.
** This is my pretty reliable rule: If you’ve been in relationship with someone for a few months and you still have no idea whether he fits any of the criteria you've set your standard — he's NOT the one!. Don’t move in with him to get a closer look. Just leave!